The Ultimate Guide To being COOL!

Dael Sat Feb 20, 2010 9:04 pm

So you want to be cool, eh? Well that right there is proof that you are not cool. If you were cool, you’d not need to have some guide that tells you how to be cool, you already would be cool. So, logic indicates that you are a loser. Probably a big loser. And big losers aren’t cool. So, keep that in mind, loser, because you’re about to learn the secret of being cool! I’ll act as your Sherpa taking you from the Valley of Pathetic Bladderwad like you are now all the way up to the top of the highest peaks of Cool Mountain!

The first thing a loser like you needs to know is what, exactly, it means to be cool. Coolness is not an easy thing to define, it has taken many brilliant minds and many years of tireless effort to pin down exactly what makes someone cool. You’re really very lucky that someone as cool as me is here and willing to help a loser like you out by telling you once and for all what cool means:

One who is cool is better than those who are not. That is all you need to know.

So to be cool, you have to make the uncool masses, or ‘the sheep’, think that you are super great, even if… no, especially if you aren’t. Once you have convinced the sheep that you are better than they are, they will treat you well in the hopes that you will help them become better.

Now the question is, how can someone as pathetic and loserly as you (because you really are a loser, you know) convince the sheep that you are better than they are? You’d think it would be hard, what with you being such a loser, but it really is so simple that even you can do it. Check it out.

How To Be Cool! (in three easy steps)

Step One: Start Smoking.
Everyone cool smokes, this is a scientific fact. Think of the coolest person that you know. That person smokes. See? Amazing isn’t it? Also cool are Nuns that can’t spell the word ‘Bible’.

Smoking creates this wonderful aura around you that makes you irresistable to the sheep. They see the bluish haze surrounding you and they smell the sweet aroma of your coolness.

If people try to tell you about the “downsides” of smoking (as if there could be such a thing) then you must ignore them. Even if smoking were bad for your health, that would not be an acceptable reason for stopping. Doing things that are bad for you is like rebelling against your own body, and rebels are cool.

(Need proof that rebels are cool? Consider Star Wars. It had rebels and was cool.)

Step Two: Use The Following Phrases
Sprinkle the following phrases into your everyday conversations and you’ll have it made!

“You ain’t lyin’!”
This is a phrase that comes in handy when you need to clarify that the person speaking to you is not lying. Here’s an example of how it could be used in an everyday situation.

Pete McFurby: Man, it’s cold today.

Jack Cool: You ain’t lyin’!

Pete McFurby: Whoa! You’re cool! You could totally tell that I was stating a fact.

“I won’t even lie!”
Jack Cool: I won’t even lie, it’s cold today.

Pete McFurby: Whoa! You’re cool! You said that you wouldn’t lie, thus removing any doubt I had about the veracity of your statement.

“You don’t even know!”
Jack Cool: I’m freezing over here, you don’t even know!

Pete McFurby: Whoa! You’re cool and I don’t even know why.

Step Three: Tell People That You Are Cool
If you’ve followed the other steps correctly the groundwork will have been laid. Now you can easily force your opinion of self-coolness upon the sheep. But you can’t just come out and say “I’m cool!”; you need to be subtle. Here’s some ways to suggest your coolness in a more covert manner.

Make frequent references to ’smacking losers upside the head’. This will help people see that you are anti-loser.
Refer constantly to the fact that you were raised by apes. If you say this metaphorically it will imply that you are cool. If you can say it honestly, then you’re clearly cool enough and not reading this article anyway. Which is a shame because I would’ve asked if you ever flung your feces.
Tell people that you are not down with God. God, being the Man, represents all that people don’t have, so anyone not down with him is like the ultimate rebel. If anyone makes the claim that God gave you all that you do have, reply to them thusly: “You can lick my freakin’ ass, Girly.”
Suggest subtly that you are a clone of Walt Disney. But remember to be subtle.
And so, once you’ve finished those three steps, you too can be cool! I’m glad I could help out a bunch of stupid pathetic losers like you. Keep reminding yourself “Coolness is Cool!”